Long Time Monday, Oct 28 2013 

Hi, old friend. It has been a long time. Let’s try to get back into the rhythm of who we truly are, shall we? 

I have been spending the last 3 years teaching middle school. As much as I love my students, it’s time to spend a little more time on me and my growth and learning. 

Thoughts On Today Sunday, Feb 21 2010 

Sometimes I think the hardest part of life is the part when you have to act like you don’t care when something goes wrong, something doesn’t work out, someone doesn’t react the way you want.

There’s a line from a movie (which I cannot recall the name of at the moment) and it goes:

Character 1: it sucks, doesn’t it?

Character 2: what?

Character 1: Not caring.

Ah! It came to me, Center Stage. Great movie….maybe I’ll watch it tonight.

A Little Blue Thursday, Feb 11 2010 

I quit today

So I’m going to swallow this

Little blue pill.

Light blue

And

Navy blue

Bliss.

I quit today

So I’m going to turn on

My little blue fan.

Light blue

And

White cord

Comfort.

I take the

Little blue pill

To stop thinking

About you

At night.

I turn on the

Little blue fan

To drown out the

Noise you would

Make if you

Were here.

I don’t want to

Wake up and

Think of you

Or

Hear you

So I take the

Little blue pill

And turn on the

Little blue fan

And hope to not

Wake up in

The morning

With you on

My mind

Again.

No Pen, No Paper Thursday, Feb 11 2010 

The world has no more pens

It has no more paper

All that there is left

Is a keyboard

A screen

A pad for your fingers

Or something to click

With your fingers.

The world has no more pens

It has no more stationary

All that there is left

Is a portable device

To send real-time messages

To someone who you may

Or may not

Care enough about

Care enough about them

To send them a message

One hundred and fifty

Characters long

This message would be too long

To tweet

To buzz

To status update

This message is too important

To send digitally through

Email

Through instant message

It needs to be said

Face to face

Build your social network

To build yourself and your career

Make yourself feel better

With

One thousand two hundred

And fifty-one friends

I will be here

With my lack of pen

And my lack of paper

Trying to connect

In a new way

But all I want

Is to use a pen

And some paper

To write a note

That tells you how I feel

Without using

🙂

😉

😦

A Thought Wednesday, Feb 3 2010 

I had a thought in my head…but someone blew on it and the seeds scattered and made weeds out of my pen and paper.

From February 2, 2010 Wednesday, Feb 3 2010 

I’ll just keep it simple-

I miss you

I like you

You is two different people

I’m lonely

I’m fulfilled

I am the same person

Respect me

Respect you

Respect is hard to do

When all I/you want

Is to rip it all off

Get tangled

Be tangled

But that makes you/I complicated

So I’ll just keep it simple.

Sweet and Sober Tuesday, Feb 2 2010 

Sweet sober sex

An alliteration I want

To come alive for us

I’m weary of the groping,

Of the roughness your

soft hands produce.

Sweet soft kiss,

Like the first one you

Bestowed upon my cheek

Then lips with just

Enough force to show

You meant what you wanted.

Gentle gliding touch

When you discovered my

Breasts and the way they

Shivered under your kind

Caress and nipples hardened

With the wetness of your mouth.

Vile vodka breath

Creeps along my neck as

Your tongue tries to find its way

Down my bare collar-bone.

I cringe as the hotness of you

Enters and burns my nostrils.

Dreading drunken sex,

I close my eyes when you

Part my legs with your feet

And you try to make it work

While I lay in stiff defiance

Until you give up on me.

From September 9, 2008 Sunday, Jan 31 2010 

I etched hope into my wrist

in washable black ink

I didn’t like the way it looked

so I licked my fingers and

smudged off the H and the O

then the P and the E

until all that remained

were fine traces of a

pen-induced bruise

Black smeared into green and blue veins.

Hope seeping into the pores

mixing with my blood and

pulsing its way through

my body, ebbing and flowing

its way into my heart.

From June 8, 2008 Sunday, Jan 31 2010 

He stopped me on the street and

said I had sad eyes.

I looked at my reflection in the bank’s

Window to see if he spoke the truth.

All I saw was you glistening back at me

Whispering something I couldn’t figure out.

I turned back to the man and he nodded

And went on his way…

I looked around me to see if anyone else had witnessed

Our interaction.

A single raindrop fell on my face and

Slid down my cheek.

I brought my fingertips up to

Touch it- to wipe away the false tear.

But I stopped myself and lifted my head toward the sky….

Someone else had seen this man

Approach me.

They must have agreed with him

Rain started falling heavily on my face

Soaking into my pale cheeks.

I walked slowly back to my apartment

Letting the rain wash me.

I accepted the truth

And let the tears from the sad eyes

Mingle with the drops from above.

Now, no one else would notice the Truth

Behind my eyes.

An Introduction to Me Sunday, Jan 31 2010 

I feel fake.  I feel phony.  I’m not a writer anymore.  I have a degree in Creative Writing, whatever that means.  What else does that say other than that I am lazy?

I don’t feel like a writer.  Not in the past year at least.  I’m only a writer in a classroom setting when the stress of deadlines and the pressure of writing something beautiful and meaningful takes its toll.  But no one ever told me I had talent.

Once, when I was 13 and/or 16 someone told me I had a strong voice.  Have I lost that voice?  How do I get it back?  Will the voice sound like the 13 and/or 16-year-old Caitlin?  Or will it have transformed to the now 25-year-old Caitlin?  This is an experiment to find out.

My voice is half in French now, living there will do that to you.  It has brought my new perspectives.  That is one reason for having a Fleur de Lys themed blog.

The search begins today…